9 || Stop trying

It feels like something is stuck in the throat, lungs and stomach.
Bloated tummy and gassy stomach.
I feel like throwing up.

There is actually nothing special to put these words down.
I just want to time-stamp today.

When it rains, the suffering lessens.
The pressure is gone.
I have been carefully holding this bowl full of water all this while.
I wanted to care. I care.
I wanted to go back to those old days.
When we laugh, when I hold his arm, when I feel safe, with him.

When my hands are finally tired, when I feel like I should reclaim my life.
"This is the time to let go, you have done enough," the rain says.
I let go of the bowl that I have been holding, for months, filled with water.

That is when I see, I am no longer who I think I am.
That is when I knew, I was no longer with him.

I know, he came into my life carrying a legacy from one of our past life.
I know things would be way more different if we did not choose that path, that storyline outside of our script, that we should be playing.
We might still be very good friends, better than how it might be.

But now, things have changed.
And that storyline that we thought we were going to carry out, is not going to happen.
If you think you have already done and completed the legacy that was given by the doctor, it is good that things were completed.
If the legacy was not yet completed, let us meet again in another life.

For now, I am going to leave the bowl here, now, today.

After this second, there will be no more holding of the bowl carefully.
For I think what I can do for now, is enough.
For I think what I can give for now, is enough.

For I think what I love and how I loved, is more than enough.
Goodbye oppa, take care and till we meet again.
Thank you for everything, every single thing that you brought into my life.
For they became part of my memory.
For they became my emotional healing tool.
For they became something that no longer serves me.