12 || An end. A beginning.

It is tough to express this in words.
It feels like something is going to start all over.

This is very hard to put down in words.
It feels like something in my life has finally ended.

It takes work to put it all out.
It feels like something is about to start.

This feeling.
Is weird.

It is truly a relief when I can look back at the photos again with a huge smile.
Those days were good.
And it is truly a huge relief when I know I can share the photos with people around me.
It was like hey, you have passed the test and now you can face all these after several months of questioning, doubting and pondering.

I can face it all now.

All I wanted to do now

Is to jump up high and shout out

Hip Hip Hurray!

For at least tonight,
at least today,
I can make it through.

Finally, I made it.
It starts today.

11 || Can't wait to see you.

期待相见。

并不是期待相见的时候有多么地激动和兴奋

而是期待见到你的时候 我的心已经不再飘荡

不再幻想我们曾经或许会有的远方

不再喜欢

不再想念

只有那种淡淡的 嘿 你好吗？

10 || Wisteria, Cream, Glass House.

有些时候我们在接触事情之前并不知道

或许事情没有我们想象中的严重。

或许它们并没有发生。

或许其实根本就没有这回事。

或许 我们只是需要有着开阔的胸襟 还有一双敞开的手 去全力拥抱它

其实 所有的问题一直以来就是我自己

我需要做的只是静下心来 深呼吸 去看清那个为什么

去看见 去道歉 去乞求原谅 去感恩 去爱

自我宽恕看来真的远比我想象中的重要。

感恩 感谢 一直以来发生过的所有事情。

9 || Stop trying

It feels like something is stuck in the throat, lungs and stomach.
Bloated tummy and gassy stomach.
I feel like throwing up.

There is actually nothing special to put these words down.
I just want to time-stamp today.

When it rains, the suffering lessens.
The pressure is gone.
I have been carefully holding this bowl full of water all this while.
I wanted to care. I care.
I wanted to go back to those old days.
When we laugh, when I hold his arm, when I feel safe, with him.

When my hands are finally tired, when I feel like I should reclaim my life.
"This is the time to let go, you have done enough," the rain says.
I let go of the bowl that I have been holding, for months, filled with water.

That is when I see, I am no longer who I think I am.
That is when I knew, I was no longer with him.

I know, he came into my life carrying a legacy from one of our past life.
I know things would be way more different if we did not choose that path, that storyline outside of our script, that we should be playing.
We might still be very good friends, better than how it might be.

But now, things have changed.
And that storyline that we thought we were going to carry out, is not going to happen.
If you think you have already done and completed the legacy that was given by the doctor, it is good that things were completed.
If the legacy was not yet completed, let us meet again in another life.

For now, I am going to leave the bowl here, now, today.

After this second, there will be no more holding of the bowl carefully.
For I think what I can do for now, is enough.
For I think what I can give for now, is enough.

For I think what I love and how I loved, is more than enough.
Goodbye oppa, take care and till we meet again.
Thank you for everything, every single thing that you brought into my life.
For they became part of my memory.
For they became my emotional healing tool.
For they became something that no longer serves me.

8 || Simple simply love

I do not know what to write.

But I just knew that I wanted to write.
I needed to write.

What do I want to say?

What do I want to tell?

Who did I want to talk to?

What I would like to talk about?

I don't know.

I just want to simply write something.
Or maybe I do have something to say, but I just could not find it yet.

7 || You are who I love

I came over to this poem while listening to The Slow Down show on Spotify.
Back in 2021.

It was like being reminded of a person who loved me, dearly.
You are who I love, you are who.

It was a poem by Aracelis Grimay.
When I first listened to it, I cried.
For fifteen minutes.
Lying flat, on the ground, on my yoga mat.

When I noticed the name of the poet, I was stunned.
Aracelis. Arelis.
It brings me back to that year when Barbie and the 12 Princesses were launched when I devised a story with 12 sisters.

Arelis
Begine
Catnip
D...
E...
F...
G...
H...
I...
J...
K...
L...

I could not recall the rest, but I clearly knew that I needed to think of the name of the first daughter carefully for I have a preference for having an English name starting with an 'A'.

Before I knew that there was a name called 'Aracelis', I was playing with the Aries and Ariel, as one is my horoscope while the other one has beautiful red hair.

I love the red colour.
Why not 'Arelis'? This name just came out of nowhere.

And after so many months, after the poem was deleted from the podcast so they could upload more new poems daily when I found out that the name of the poet is Aracelis, everything worked out.

I wanted to meet her one day, I told myself.
I just have the feeling and I don't know why.
But I know I will meet her, one day.

It feels like a key to a door was found, but I don't know which door yet.

Eventually, we will find out why.

:)

The silhouette will show when the sun rises.

6 || Tears

I cried.

I cried so so hard.

Quietly.

Tears just swelled up in my eyes.

My face crumpled together.

One drop.

Two drops.

Three drops.

Then there are, streams of tears.

It fells down from my chin.

Onto my chest.

I am crying, after so long.

I am literally crying.

I do not know why.

I started sobbing.

Very very hard.

I keep on asking why, what is going on in my mind.

Very very loud.

I don't know.

I just want to cry.

Cry out loud.

5 || Past Lives

Fate.

To have an eight thousand past lives together to be one married couple.

Na Young, if this was one of our past lives, in our next life we might have gotten married.

What do you think we will be?

I am not sure.

Me too, either.

The hugs

The holdbacks

The dialogue we had

At times it seems lost.

Like we are Na Young and Hae Sung.

They are saying those words, those sentences, those feelings.

That I have said before, or imagined I have said those before.

I still remember you once asked what kind of house I would like to live in.

White walls, wooden flooring.

Light flooring but dark furniture.

Cotton-made sofa covers, wooden handles, but dark.

Lots of natural light coming through.

Yeah, I am thinking the same too, you said.

I asked you why you chose to travel with me.

I don't know, you said.

Then what about you, you asked.

I don't know either, but I know I must find this out.

We both have the same answer.

I asked the keeper about our fate.

The keeper shows a vision of I am a nurse and you are a doctor.

Yes, one of our past lives.

I am sure that there is more to say, about us.

Other than very good partners to each other at work.

You are married, I am not.

You wanted to take care of me but you can't.

So you came into my world.

Said that I am your unclosed chapter.

You walked into my heart.

The longer you stay, the clearer you see.

You are more and more focused on what you give each day.

We grew from friends with lots of jokes to serious chats each time.

I find it really hard to bid those old days goodbye.

Thinking that I should and I would have done better if I had known it earlier.

But now, looking back.

I see that we were just meant to be like this.

We are meant to be.

It is meant to be for leaving some good old days (and some regrets) behind.

It is meant to be for us to walk this pathway, together.

It is meant to be for us to keep in touch, not often, for you to hear me out.

They are all meant to be.

Thank you.

I really wanted to say.

Thank you for making this wish by appreciating what I have been, in one of our past lives.

Thank you for really making all these come true, with the wish you made in one of our past lives.

Thank you for coming into my world.

Thank you, really.

I think I am able to let go of the thought of reminiscing and regretting our good old days laughing together, trying to avoid you, making the choice, saying goodbye, calling you again, having lots of assumptions where you might never have, involving you into something that you would not like to be involved in.

Thank you for coming into one of my past lives and becoming a VIP in my life.

Thank you and I always will.

See you again. Na young ah.

4 || Time

It is all about time.
I knew it from the start.
It will not be a smooth sail.
But since it is not a smooth sail,
that is what we call life.

This is not the first time I feel restless,
to miss out on something when it is out of my control;
or within, my control.
Strangely, it feels all the same.
The feeling of regret and helplessness.

I need to be stronger.
I need to be more capable.
That is what I told myself.
Prep up yourself girl, plant more seeds.
But remember, don't rush, take your time.

I don't know what I wanted?
No, I clearly knew what I wanted.
Freedom is my call.
But I have to be patient to reach where I want to go, one day.

Try, but don't push yourself too hard on this.
Take your time.
Yes, you have plenty of them, always.

3 || Mal à la tête

I came back, bringing lots and lots of positive energy.

Getting the feedback of my thoughts are too naive.

Energy depleted within one month.

No more vitality

I don't feel like looking forward to anything, like literally anything

Being requested to see a clinical psychologist was the first step

And then was informed need to eat something from eighth goddess 3 nights in a row

I know, I don't want to.

I clearly know.

But I don't know how to say or express it.

I am afraid that I will gone insane.

For not having the ability to do something for myself.

I thought I started to heal myself I'm New Zealand.

And I am able to continue my healing even when I'm back to Malaysia.

Instead I hurt myself more after I came home.

I shall donate or sell whatever I possessed in this world when I am still alive or when I am still sane.

And Loi Shan Wen is going to take care all of this.

He is also, my family.

Like all of you, who are reading.

And who still care.

2 || I wanted a space.

I wanted a space.

A quiet space.

With the blue sky as backdrop.

Only for myself.

It is quiet.

Safe and sound.

The floor is wooden flooring.

But smooth.

I will wear my thick black working socks.

That I brought from Daiso.

I will play whatever songs I feel like at that moment.

And record the dancing silhouette.

It is alright even if the dancing is not nice.

It is alright even if the movement is a bit stiff.

I am who I am.

I am the one and original me.

Listen, laugh when you wanna cry.

You know clearly that a worry will solve another one.

You will forget the old worried when a new one came by.

Maybe that is the way you want to live.

1 || Clear

Something is unclear.

It stucks somewhere between my throat and my chest.

I can't breathe.

I cannot think clearly.

I am not me.

But why? 

I am at the place that I am most familiar with.

Dans le monde entier.

I asked. I nagged. I annoyed.

You have the ability to see things clearly by yourself you see.

I started to try.

I took deep breaths and spoke my mind.

Something underneath started to flow.

The emotions. The feelings.

I am in love. I was in love.

But I am sorry that I did not see it clearly and stop it from the very beginning.

I begged for forgiveness and I thanked for everything.

Thank you for having the courage to admit it even if it is very hard.

Thank you for being there for me even if it is suffering.

Thank you for being able to catch me when I fell apart.

Thank you for everything.

Everything that you feel and be honest with it.

Now, I am able to see it clearly.

Now, I am able to bid it farewell.

Now, I am able to give it lots of wishes for happiness.

It doesn't matter if it doesn't matter to you.

As long as I find closure within myself.

Although it still stings sometimes when I feel it, I am feeling way better than ever.

Love can heal.

Only you can do that.

I wish you all the best in finding happiness.

Unexpected encounters that make your heart flutter.

Sail on! Don't wait around.

If we are never going to meet again.

Loneliness will be long gone even without your accompany.

Our memories together.

Very likely will not be forgotten.

Ever.

Don't look back and keep chasing.

Young hearts.

Of course together with the ability to love again. Even if it rains, always remember, that you will have your umbrella with you, as long as you hold on tight.

Thank you for everything, really.