4 || Time

It is all about time.
I knew it from the start.
It will not be a smooth sail.
But since it is not a smooth sail,
that is what we call life.

This is not the first time I feel restless,
to miss out on something when it is out of my control;
or within, my control.
Strangely, it feels all the same.
The feeling of regret and helplessness.

I need to be stronger.
I need to be more capable.
That is what I told myself.
Prep up yourself girl, plant more seeds.
But remember, don't rush, take your time.

I don't know what I wanted?
No, I clearly knew what I wanted.
Freedom is my call.
But I have to be patient to reach where I want to go, one day.

Try, but don't push yourself too hard on this.
Take your time.
Yes, you have plenty of them, always.

3 || Mal à la tête

I came back, bringing lots and lots of positive energy.

Getting the feedback of my thoughts are too naive.

Energy depleted within one month.

No more vitality

I don't feel like looking forward to anything, like literally anything

Being requested to see a clinical psychologist was the first step

And then was informed need to eat something from eighth goddess 3 nights in a row

I know, I don't want to.

I clearly know.

But I don't know how to say or express it.

I am afraid that I will gone insane.

For not having the ability to do something for myself.

I thought I started to heal myself I'm New Zealand.

And I am able to continue my healing even when I'm back to Malaysia.

Instead I hurt myself more after I came home.

I shall donate or sell whatever I possessed in this world when I am still alive or when I am still sane.

And Loi Shan Wen is going to take care all of this.

He is also, my family.

Like all of you, who are reading.

And who still care.

2 || I wanted a space.

I wanted a space.

A quiet space.

With the blue sky as backdrop.

Only for myself.

It is quiet.

Safe and sound.

The floor is wooden flooring.

But smooth.

I will wear my thick black working socks.

That I brought from Daiso.

I will play whatever songs I feel like at that moment.

And record the dancing silhouette.

It is alright even if the dancing is not nice.

It is alright even if the movement is a bit stiff.

I am who I am.

I am the one and original me.

Listen, laugh when you wanna cry.

You know clearly that a worry will solve another one.

You will forget the old worried when a new one came by.

Maybe that is the way you want to live.